As much as I love multi-culturalism, I thought it was a good time to celebrate the ancient and moving tradition that is British Christmas... with its arguments, bad presents, frozen turkey, blocked toilets and crap telly...
song by Vin Goodwin - www.soundcloud.com/vingoodwin
If you ever want to perform this song, please feel free but credit me, video it and let me see!
LYRICS:
British Christmas Song!
Ding dong chimes
It's Christmas Time
A special day for the Brits
Full of cheer
And home-brew beer
Carols that get on your tits till new yr
At home with the kids
They've been up since six
Everybody plays Ker-Plunk
Granny's on the sherry
And gets very, very, very
Very, very, very, very drunk.
Presents by the tree
What a sight to see
Santa put them there last night.
Kids are so excited
Till the Christmas tree ignited
I wish I hadn't bought cheap lights (from Kwik-Save)
When the tree's less hot
We unwrapped what we got
Fire burnt the labels so who
they're from we know not.
One from Gran we hope
\"Brut\" soap on a rope
I got the game frustration
But I'm not sure I can cope!
Auntie's in tears
Been grateful for years
for a walnut and a tangerine
Grand dad's thrilled
with his bottle of pils
And a month's supply of Germolene
What a shock,
I got socks
And a jumper that is way too long
Who round here
Had the bright idea
Of hankies with initials on?
Mum's perfume
Kills flies in the room
And blinds the cat - oh dear
When Johnny tells
Mum her Charlie smells
He gets a clip round the ear.
Dad's all hype
With his brand new pipe
But he doesn't even smoke, oh well
He managed to singe
Off part of his fringe
And it's giving off a funny smell.
Dinner time is near
Biggest of the year
Try stuffing so much food in
Till its comes out of our ears
The table is too small
We have four chairs, that's all
Mum looks a fool on a high up stool
And I sit on the big Beach Ball.
The Tesco shop
Was such a flop
There's nothing like a panic buy.
With a trolley, rush about
Grab at least a ton of sprouts
Like the end of the world is nigh.
Frozen to the core
Turkey isn't thawed
Ahead, we never thought to plan.
Forgot the cranberry
But we found some glace cherries
And mixed them up with strawb'ry jam.
(It's the same thing)
Carrots chopped
Turnips topped
But sprouts we do not rush
On the boil they've been since Halloween
So they're liitle green balls of mush
Ate our meal
Now fat we feel
Granny's being sick.
Such a hoot
Playing Trivial Pursuit
Coz everybody is so thick (with the answers)
With a full belly
We see what's on the telly
We hope there's something new
But of course
It's the Wizard of Oz
And an episode of Dr Who (Tom Baker)
It won't be long
Before James Bond's on
The one where he hangs off a train
Roger Moore's
Acting is quite poor
But his eyebrows keep us entertained.
Christmas tea
Oh what will it be?
Turkey sandwiches if you please
Cabbage (red)
and sliced white bread
Piccalilli and a lump of cheese.
Stuffing cold
Sausage rolls
There's nothing we won't scoff
We'll even try
Those cheap pork pies
If the yukky jelly is picked off.
Eat Roses from a tin
Till you can't fit one more in
Granddad blocks the toilet
It's the fourteenth time he's been.
It's really time for bed
We doze on the sofa instead
Granny sleeps in a sleep so deep
We poke her coz we think she's dead.
Oh what a lovely day
Raise a glass of Mateus Rose
There really is nothing quite like
the British Christmas way
Such a lovely day,
Lets all shout \"hooray!\"
There really is nothing quite like
A BRITISH CHRISTMAS DAY!
